I was going to write a post but then I got zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Now this isn’t a woe is me post.

 

These are the facts

 

As of right now I am tired, more tired than I have ever been.

How am I? Tired

How was your weekend? Full of sleep.

What did you do with your day off? I slept.

What are you going to do when you leave work today? Eat some oatmeal and sleep.

Why aren’t you home right now? I still have work to do

 

Are you surprised I am still working at this stage of chemo? I’m not

I’m a hard headed idiot who doesn’t know to rest until her body says stop. I will work half a day today. I will work until 2 tomorrow. Then, hopefully, full days the rest of the week. It’s EXHAUSTING to be this fucking tired.

 

I’m so tired I just sleep. Walking to my car is tiring. Talking to people is irritating. I just want to be left alone and sleep. I’m trying really hard to smile and be upbeat but that takes effort. And I’m all out of effort.

 

I don’t understand why this is happening. The nurses and doctors tell me, ‘it’s just a part of what happens’. But no one tells me why. I want to know why it’s happening. Is there some sort of chemical build up? Do I need my masseuse to work it out for me? Can I do something to get past this nonsense?

 

I realize I am more than halfway and I should be happy. Too tired to be happy. I’m miserable. I don’t want to be around people. I’m tired. I want people over.. then I feel bad because I go to sleep when they are around. SO I want a group of people who can interact after I leave my own invite. This is not normal hostess behavior and I get it.

 

I have my halfway through chemo party this weekend and I’m too tired to plan it. Or bake something. At this point I’m just going to show up with a swimsuit and some cupcakes. Bring some Monster energy drinks and 5 hours and just pray I make it to the end of the party. Otherwise, I’ll be napping during my party. And that’s fine. An hour here and there isn’t so bad.

 

Have I mentioned how tired I am?