Monday, June 17, 2013

What I have learned - The halfway point

1. I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. You really never know how strong you are until you have to fight for your life. It's a different fight than a gun bring pointed at you. You can control this fight. No one controls this fight but you f and your willingness to believe the medicine will work. It's called medical practice for a reason.  I don't believe in much but holy shit.. I believe in me. I can do this.

2. A lot of people care for me. I'm not talking friends. I'm talking people wanting to make sure I am alright; friends or not. If it's been morbid curiosity, random messages, hugs, random people on the street... People give a shit about me. I'm not sure why, some days but I have never felt so loved.

3. I HAVE GOT TO LEARN TO REST. Taking care of myself after chemo has been dead near impossible. I got carried out of my favorite diner yesterday, sobbing from embarrassment. I had to be carried in my house and onto the couch. I feel like a prisoner to the cancer right now. I have to let the chemo work and learn to rest. Perhaps I should say I feel like a prisoner to the chemo instead. I cannot keep working at the pre cancer pace. I have to stop trying to pretend I am the same person. I will be soon. October will be like nothing ever happened. But it is happening and I have to let it run it's course.

4. Cancer is hilarious... Having cancer is not funny but the shit that happens to you can be very funny if you take it that way. Shit yourself when you think you have farted? Hilarious. Chemo farts? Hilarious. You can laugh or you can cry. Most of the time, I do both.

5. Having an emotional response is completely ok! I am allowed to be emo. I am certainly allowed to cry. Crying has been one of those releases that feels guilty. I want to cry sometimes. I want to scream. But I get that kick ass attitude that says, "FIGHT, DAMMIT. STOP CRYING". I let myself cry yesterday. I ignored the fight response. I just cried. And it felt good to get it out. I have ups, I have downs... and it's TOTALLY fine.

6. Someone always has it worse than me. I feel bad about my cancer. I mean I have stage 4 cancer and that is nothing to sneeze at. I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. Other people are suffering worse and have questions they cannt get answered.

7. If someone else tells me that 'of all the cancers to have this is the best one to get'. Is going to get kicked in the dick. For the last time... Yes this cancer is curable but the chemo is what is going to hurt me. For people with my cancer and my chemo the 5 year survival rate is 65%. Less if you have a bulky disease and less if you are anemic. Guess what, folks? I have both of these. I'm not throwing in the towel but I am certainly going to live my life like I have these five years. And yes, when I make it past the five years, I will be happy and aim for 10. But I am trying to be realistic. I started this journey with 2 weeks TOPS to live. So every day is a blessing.

8. Sharing my story helps me and helps you too. It allows me to tell you what you want to know about the cancer and helps me just say the words. It's hard to talk about what's going on, sometimes. Blogging has been amazing for me and has hopefully helped you all too. I love telling my story. I love helping people understand. I want everyone to know what is going on so if you have a relative going through it you know what to ask and not to ask.

9. Love is hard. Finding the right words to say when you are sick is hard. Trying not to push people away is harder.

10. Baths are amazing. They force the needed rest, relaxation, skin moisturizing, and thought time that is needed. 15 minutes is all I need for a recharge.


  1. You're amazing for many reasons. But I think what has been the most amazing thing to me is how forthcoming you have been about this entire experience. You chose to tell everyone how it was going and what it was like and what this meant and what that did and so on. You chose to let us go with you and you didn't have to. That to me is probably one of the bravest things I have ever seen. I don't think I would have the grace and courage you're displaying every day if I went through this. If there are good things to come from this, it may be that you've become a living touchstone to tell people to buck the hell up and keep focus and priorities in order- stop bitching about shallow and insignificant things and be grateful for everything. You're teaching me that every day. SO thank you for sharing this with everyone. I am following every step you allow me to follow and I am learning more from you than you will ever know.

  2. Amazing indeed & your blog sharing has been fairly eye opening. We've had several close family members & (far too) many friends go down this path, but I've learned more from your blogs than in talking to them. No doubt some of that is my fault for not asking if I can ask about the experience, but as you've noticed not everyone knows quite what to say or what is appropriate to ask about.

    You go Chemo Girl !!!!