Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Keep on a rockin' me baby...

The baby dilemma

A side effect from the chemo is that I could be sterile.

In my previous years, this would not have been an issue. But I am finally to the point where, yes, I would be an awesome mom. I’m not scared of babies like I used to be. Crying babies still make nervous. I don’t want to mess it up.

The downer here for me is that I lived most of my life not wanting babies. My sister was born really sick and her eventual death from the illness made me scared of babies. Not only that but people don’t raise their children anymore. They sit them in front of electronic devices and hope that the tv or the internet teaches them the difference between right and wrong. Then I got to thinking…..

I have an amazing support system of friends who are having babies. Friends who raise their children the way I was raised; A hands on nurturing environment. I would make a great mom and my baby would have plenty of friends who were raised the way I raised my child.

I could totally do this whole motherhood thing.

Then a week later I got the news. The oncologist and I had a talk about children and told me that they may not be possible after chemo. Sterile, he said. This broke my heart. I’m not getting any younger and the chances I could have another cancer come in is high. This cancer could come back. There are so many things that tell me that I should not have a baby.

But I still want one.

It’s heart breaking to me. I think I finally found my path to happiness and cancer just put a big ‘fuck you’ in the middle of it. Things were going rather swimmingly (minus a divorce that was getting nasty).

Yes, I am available to watch your kids. I may be tired but I want to give it a shot. See if this motherhood thing is something I am really missing out on. I have made the offer a few times.

My friends are spawning and have no time for those of us who aren’t spawning. When I get together with friends who have kids, I/we (RadLad and I) get left out of the conversation. Just because we don’t have children doesn’t mean I don’t want to take that trip. Sorry my lack of child makes me less worth to travel with you. Try being the only nonparent in a room full of babies and parents. It’s sort of like being nonsapa in a room full of SAPAites talking. You get left behind.  We don’t mean to do it but we leave people out of conversation. Like we have nothing else in common but faire.


Just because I don’t have children doesn’t mean I don’t want to watch them. Sure, for many years when children would scream I would high five my husband and say ‘No baby high five’. But my situation has changed.

My perspective has changed.


My life has changed.


Sure if I can’t spawn one of my own I will adopt.


And If I can’t do either, I’m still going to Disneyland.




  1. Love you. Totally understand. We will figure it out.

  2. I think you would be a great Mother. And like you said, it you can't do either....fuck it, lets go to Disneyland <3 you!

  3. Dead on regarding the SAPA comment. And baby sitting/baby watching is a great thing. No doubt you'd be great as a mother. Till then, a rockin' aunt is a beautiful thing. One day at a time, tough girl.

  4. Another former SAPA member and I used to have conversations about our infertility issues. We both felt like monsters and failures to the human species. I still have moments, but Mommyhood has proven to be everything I dreamed of, and adoption did not anything away from my relationship with my son. If you ever need to talk about this one, this is something that I can actually contribute to the conversation about. On the other hand, I know several ladies well into their 40s who are having babies.