Friday, June 21, 2013

I want your sex - Chemo/cancer's effect on my sex drive

TMI post – so if you don’t want to know or don’t care. Stop now. I’ll be talking about sex.. and fucking.. and porn. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


After chemotherapy they don’t want you to have sex for three days. After doing research, here is why:


·         Some types of chemotherapy can lead to changes in the lining of the vagina, which may make vaginal injuries more likely during intercourse. During intercourse, normal bacteria that live on the skin or in the genital tract may be introduced into your bloodstream.

If your chemotherapy reduces the levels of your germ-fighting white blood cells, you may not be protected from these bacteria. Your doctor may recommend you avoid sexual intercourse until your white blood cell counts rise to safe levels.

If chemotherapy causes a low platelet count, intercourse could cause bleeding. If your platelet count is extremely low, severe bleeding could occur.


So there we go. Not because it will cause cancer of the dick but because I could bleed and have the ouches. Fun times.


Ahhh cancer. You really have to mess everything up. The physical part is not what gets me. It is jumping past the mental portion.


 It is REALLY, REALLY hard to feel like a sexual creature when you are sick to your stomach and you want to vomit. It is a serious Oscar winning shit to put all that aside and just try to live in the moment. To try forgetting the pain and try to live in the touch or kisses is FUCKING HARD.


It is hard to believe that someone wants to be intimate with a stage 4 cancer patient and all the drama that comes with it. My life since January has been like Jerry Springer lite. I am sure my life is fodder for all sorts of conversations. I am doing what I need to do to stay alive. I won’t lay down and die. Apparently I can’t just lay down and have sex either. So I get the mental downward spiral..


You feel bad, then you feel bad that you feel bad.

Then you feel worse that you feel bad for feeling bad.

Then you get angry for feeling worse that you feel bad for feeling bad…

It keeps going.


And then you wonder, why anyone would stick around for this. And you worry everyone will leave your cancer ridden ass. And you’ll be all alone. So it’s like a horrible depression session.


OHHHH and then you get to deal with the fact that you have random hair loss. You don’t look like the person you were months ago… Oh and weight gain issues and it’s all together a cluster.


I need constant reassurance that I am attractive and sexy... I need to be told. I have to hear it. I have to believe it. The only time I feel sexy is when I am dancing. I don’t even need a drink. I just seem to let go.


Which is something I wish I could do in the bedroom (or where ever). I get stuck in my head. I get nervous. I can’t seem to let go. I mean, I’ve watched enough porn to say, ‘hey that looks like fun’ or ‘how the hell is that possible’. I’m open for about anything (except one thing….) and I just can’t seem to get the courage to jump. I think a lot of people are like this, not just Kari the chemo girl. But adding the ‘Who the hell wants to have sex with the girl filled with cancer?’ in the mental picture sure makes it harder.


So cancer.. gives me the big unfuck you.


How does chemo girl work around this?


Well, it’s hard. It’s really hard.


I don’t get why anyone would find me attractive. I get it when I’m all dressed up at the club but I don’t get it in normal life. SOoooo I do little things to make me feel good. I can’t shave so I spend a while covered in VEET. Wash that all off. Spend time soaking in the tub with a LUSH product. Then come out, moisturize.  I’ll wear a wig. Find something comfortable maybe a little sexy. Just being  comfortable and smelling good in my own skin does wonders.  So that helps boost.


Communication. So it’s hard to tell when the sex should happen. He knows when I don’t feel good and he also thought that the escape to the bathroom meant, ‘fuck off’, when it meant the exact opposite. Sometimes when I am feeling the mood.. I have to say ‘HI! I WOULD LIKE THE SEX NAO. PLZKTHNKSBI’ and he does too. It seems stupid but it works. Especially if you aren’t feeling worthy of breathing and your loved one is finding the need for you. And you’re in some other world hating on yourself…


Self Worth – Even though I am going through all of this nonsense. I am worth it. I am worth the fight. I am worth the worry and stress.


It’s a hard, hard battle. But worth it. Cause that after glow is totally amazing.



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