SO I have told you how I feel.
So how does Chemo Girl
defeat these demons?
1.
I have the best support system ever. I have all
of you reading my blog: laughing, crying and cheering for me. There is always
an encouraging word and the want to hug me.
2.
Believe the chemo will work. I know it’s
working, I have proof it is working. Now I have to believe it will kill it all
and my cancer won’t come back. These things take time. I won’t lie. It’s
completely overwhelming. I’m terrified of my future more than my current
situation.
3.
Make time for a bath or some other alone time.
Fighting cancer and my demons, I have to talk myself through the stupid steps
of it. Keep breathing. This is worth it. I am worth it.
4.
Believe your friends aren’t tired of hearing
you. I get the inside feeling that you all are sick of me and you’re going to
go away. But there are few of you who just want to know the chemo girl should
she die… See? Bad thoughts. But I know that there are plenty of you (at least
five) who would listen to every word I said until I couldn’t talk anymore. I
keep sharing and knowing that someone is listening and hearing my words.
5.
I live for other people. On days like today when
I want to cry and quit chemo, I live for someone else. I might not want to live
till tomorrow but Radlad would be mad. My mother would be devastated. My
employees would kill me J.
And SAPA would fire me out of the cannon just because I asked not to. And
everyone would call me a fucker. (It’s what we do when people die in our group)
6.
I talk it out or I write it down. See this whole
blog entry? Makes me feel better just writing it down.
7.
I put on music and dance. Give me my good ole
Pan mix and some make up. I’ll put makeup on and dance while I do it.
8.
I go thrifting or ‘pop some tags’. I love
hunting great finds and it’s something I am good at. The hunt is sometimes
better than the finds
9.
I think about someone who has it worse than I
do. Shit, I have cancer. And what? Other people have it and are dying from it.
I will live to see tomorrow (just don’t think about the what ifs. There are
what ifs to anything)
10.
I pet my dog. Mr. Squish, my pug of awesome,
always knows when there is something wrong. I can just lay on the floor or in
the Lovesac and just pet my pooch. His face is wonderful and I think he
understands me. I know he doesn’t but the pug head tilt is amazing.
11. I
think about my future. Did you know I want to go back to school and be a
therapist for cancer patients? Did you know I want to run a 5k every month? Did
you know I want to buy a house? Did you know I want to adopt a child? Did you
know I want to go back to faire next year ? Did you know I WANT to be at faire
anymore? Did you know I am enjoying faire?
When I
get sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead – TRUE STORY.
Tomorrow
is chemo. Trip 5 out of 12. I got this. Hold my hand. Be my friend. Support me.
I love you all. It’s what gets me through.
I'm here if you need. I'm here if you want. Oh and I'm here if you don't need or want. :P
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