SO I have told you how I feel.
So how does Chemo Girl defeat these demons?
1. I have the best support system ever. I have all of you reading my blog: laughing, crying and cheering for me. There is always an encouraging word and the want to hug me.
2. Believe the chemo will work. I know it’s working, I have proof it is working. Now I have to believe it will kill it all and my cancer won’t come back. These things take time. I won’t lie. It’s completely overwhelming. I’m terrified of my future more than my current situation.
3. Make time for a bath or some other alone time. Fighting cancer and my demons, I have to talk myself through the stupid steps of it. Keep breathing. This is worth it. I am worth it.
4. Believe your friends aren’t tired of hearing you. I get the inside feeling that you all are sick of me and you’re going to go away. But there are few of you who just want to know the chemo girl should she die… See? Bad thoughts. But I know that there are plenty of you (at least five) who would listen to every word I said until I couldn’t talk anymore. I keep sharing and knowing that someone is listening and hearing my words.
5. I live for other people. On days like today when I want to cry and quit chemo, I live for someone else. I might not want to live till tomorrow but Radlad would be mad. My mother would be devastated. My employees would kill me J. And SAPA would fire me out of the cannon just because I asked not to. And everyone would call me a fucker. (It’s what we do when people die in our group)
6. I talk it out or I write it down. See this whole blog entry? Makes me feel better just writing it down.
7. I put on music and dance. Give me my good ole Pan mix and some make up. I’ll put makeup on and dance while I do it.
8. I go thrifting or ‘pop some tags’. I love hunting great finds and it’s something I am good at. The hunt is sometimes better than the finds
9. I think about someone who has it worse than I do. Shit, I have cancer. And what? Other people have it and are dying from it. I will live to see tomorrow (just don’t think about the what ifs. There are what ifs to anything)
10. I pet my dog. Mr. Squish, my pug of awesome, always knows when there is something wrong. I can just lay on the floor or in the Lovesac and just pet my pooch. His face is wonderful and I think he understands me. I know he doesn’t but the pug head tilt is amazing.
11. I think about my future. Did you know I want to go back to school and be a therapist for cancer patients? Did you know I want to run a 5k every month? Did you know I want to buy a house? Did you know I want to adopt a child? Did you know I want to go back to faire next year ? Did you know I WANT to be at faire anymore? Did you know I am enjoying faire?
When I get sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead – TRUE STORY.
Tomorrow is chemo. Trip 5 out of 12. I got this. Hold my hand. Be my friend. Support me. I love you all. It’s what gets me through.