I had gastric bypass back
in 2011 because I was morbidly obese. I got down to 124 pounds. Now this is not
the healthiest weight for me and I admit I was appalled by my ribs sticking
out. I was a size 8 and my pants were falling off of me. So the oncologist put
me on an ant nausea medication with a steroid in it. Since starting chemo I
have gained 11 pounds. Now this isn’t a huge deal for most people but my body
image is so fucked up that the 11 pounds makes me feel like I weigh 300 pounds
again. I can’t even button my size 8 pants I wore 3 weeks ago.
So I start to downward
spiral, harshly.
My hair is gone. Now I
made the choice to shave my head when my chemo hawk started to fall out. It’s
growing back but it will fall out again… I have a rash on my head, either from
heat or an allergic reaction to my sunscreen. I can’t wear my wigs cause HOLY
SHIT they itch.
So I want to eat all the
bad things.
Then I start to think
about the life I used to live… It was pretty boring. I’d come home from work
and do normal people things. Cook, clean, watch something useless on tv with my
dog, quilt, Go to the gym downstairs and run.. and this has all changed.
I can’t run because of
chemo. I can’t get my heart rate up so I am forced to just walk. And I don’t
want to walk, I want to run.
I don’t want to cook when
I get home. I’m too tired from just working. Last night I came home and could
barely walk to the chair. And once I sat, I had to be helped to the other chair
to sit and eat the dinner Rad Lad had cooked. And nothing sounded appealing
except girl scout cookies and tortilla chips. I ate until I was full. What I
ate was amazing (he cooks really well) but I just wasn’t hungry. (Later on I
ate carrots, mushrooms and sweet peppers with salsa – so I did eat finally).
Then I decided to weigh
myself at the end of the night.. bad idea. (Good news is I weighed myself this
morning and it’s exactly where I was yesterday). I made the choice to only
weigh myself once a week from now on.
Then I started to think
about everything cancer has taken away from me
1.
I’m tired all the time – Fatigue – I don’t or
can’t be as active as I was. I’m so tired today from working like I used to
that I can barely function. I want to just sleep. I put my head down in the
middle of writing this and just passed out.
2.
I decided I wanted children about a month before
I was diagnosed. It’s something I never wanted or dreamed of in the past.
Suddenly I decided having a child wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever
happened to me. Hell, it even sounded like fun. Possible side effect of chemo:
being sterile. And I want to make sure I am cancer free before trying or
attempting a child. So by that time, I’ll be too old. So adoption is the option
I am looking at. And even then that makes me cry. Sure it would be my baby but
it’s not the same.
3.
I can’t exercise (run) like I used to. Luckily
RadLad is getting the treadmill back so I can walk/wog in the house. I have
decided I’ll do 30 minutes every day on the hamster wheel (treadmill) but it’s
not the same as putting on some VNV Nation and just running. I don’t get the
same high and I don’t feel as exhausted/fufilled. I have also decided I will go
to the pool down the road when it’s nice and swim. Or Head to a friend’s house and swim there
where I feel safe.
4.
My energy is gone. I feel like I am not helpful
around the house. This makes me feel like a lazy ass who is taking advantage of
those around me. I try. I cleaned up dinner and the kitchen. I put away the
dishes, put dishes in and restarted the dishwasher. But I am soooooo tired. I
feel lazy.
5. My
self esteem. I feel fat and ugly. And the mask makes me feel like a monster. And
you think I weigh 300 pounds again. I have always picked on myself. But when
other people say, “hey looks like you’ve gained a few pounds. That’s great!! You’ll
need it when you don’t feel like eating”. All I hear is “hey! Look! You’re getting
fat again and Radlad is going to leave you. And your friends will point and
laugh at you because you failed at something else you big giant loser!! Look at
your life crashing around you!! HAHAHAH!”
Tomorrow
is a chemo day. So I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon writing about
the winning mindset. This is in no means me waiving my white flag or asking for
pity. This is just how I feel. I’m not always a warrior princess. Sometimes I’m
the damsel in distress :D. I’ll kick
this depression and move on.
Much
love and thank you for reading <3
I love you. You aren't fat. You are healthy, that is important for what is coming up. It only gets harder. I love you. I want you to know I understand you are going to be tired. I am ok with that. Thank you for putting up the dishes and cleaning up. You don't have to, I will. I don't mind. I just want us to come out of this long dark tunnel and be happy.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Jeremy
aka
RadLad