I had gastric bypass back in 2011 because I was morbidly obese. I got down to 124 pounds. Now this is not the healthiest weight for me and I admit I was appalled by my ribs sticking out. I was a size 8 and my pants were falling off of me. So the oncologist put me on an ant nausea medication with a steroid in it. Since starting chemo I have gained 11 pounds. Now this isn’t a huge deal for most people but my body image is so fucked up that the 11 pounds makes me feel like I weigh 300 pounds again. I can’t even button my size 8 pants I wore 3 weeks ago.
So I start to downward spiral, harshly.
My hair is gone. Now I made the choice to shave my head when my chemo hawk started to fall out. It’s growing back but it will fall out again… I have a rash on my head, either from heat or an allergic reaction to my sunscreen. I can’t wear my wigs cause HOLY SHIT they itch.
So I want to eat all the bad things.
Then I start to think about the life I used to live… It was pretty boring. I’d come home from work and do normal people things. Cook, clean, watch something useless on tv with my dog, quilt, Go to the gym downstairs and run.. and this has all changed.
I can’t run because of chemo. I can’t get my heart rate up so I am forced to just walk. And I don’t want to walk, I want to run.
I don’t want to cook when I get home. I’m too tired from just working. Last night I came home and could barely walk to the chair. And once I sat, I had to be helped to the other chair to sit and eat the dinner Rad Lad had cooked. And nothing sounded appealing except girl scout cookies and tortilla chips. I ate until I was full. What I ate was amazing (he cooks really well) but I just wasn’t hungry. (Later on I ate carrots, mushrooms and sweet peppers with salsa – so I did eat finally).
Then I decided to weigh myself at the end of the night.. bad idea. (Good news is I weighed myself this morning and it’s exactly where I was yesterday). I made the choice to only weigh myself once a week from now on.
Then I started to think about everything cancer has taken away from me
1. I’m tired all the time – Fatigue – I don’t or can’t be as active as I was. I’m so tired today from working like I used to that I can barely function. I want to just sleep. I put my head down in the middle of writing this and just passed out.
2. I decided I wanted children about a month before I was diagnosed. It’s something I never wanted or dreamed of in the past. Suddenly I decided having a child wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to me. Hell, it even sounded like fun. Possible side effect of chemo: being sterile. And I want to make sure I am cancer free before trying or attempting a child. So by that time, I’ll be too old. So adoption is the option I am looking at. And even then that makes me cry. Sure it would be my baby but it’s not the same.
3. I can’t exercise (run) like I used to. Luckily RadLad is getting the treadmill back so I can walk/wog in the house. I have decided I’ll do 30 minutes every day on the hamster wheel (treadmill) but it’s not the same as putting on some VNV Nation and just running. I don’t get the same high and I don’t feel as exhausted/fufilled. I have also decided I will go to the pool down the road when it’s nice and swim. Or Head to a friend’s house and swim there where I feel safe.
4. My energy is gone. I feel like I am not helpful around the house. This makes me feel like a lazy ass who is taking advantage of those around me. I try. I cleaned up dinner and the kitchen. I put away the dishes, put dishes in and restarted the dishwasher. But I am soooooo tired. I feel lazy.
5. My self esteem. I feel fat and ugly. And the mask makes me feel like a monster. And you think I weigh 300 pounds again. I have always picked on myself. But when other people say, “hey looks like you’ve gained a few pounds. That’s great!! You’ll need it when you don’t feel like eating”. All I hear is “hey! Look! You’re getting fat again and Radlad is going to leave you. And your friends will point and laugh at you because you failed at something else you big giant loser!! Look at your life crashing around you!! HAHAHAH!”
Tomorrow is a chemo day. So I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon writing about the winning mindset. This is in no means me waiving my white flag or asking for pity. This is just how I feel. I’m not always a warrior princess. Sometimes I’m the damsel in distress :D. I’ll kick this depression and move on.
Much love and thank you for reading <3