Suicide is really high amongst cancer patients. Although I do not condone it, I cartainly understand it.
Let me explain, from my point of view, why suicide even crosses my mind.
1) I am at the mercy of the disease. Cancer dictates everything about my life. My energy level. How much, if anything, I am able to do.
2) There are more bad days than good. Between feeling bad physically then feeling bad for feeling bad… each chemo treatment knocks 4-5 days out of me. Chemo on Friday, I don’t feel good until Wednesday of the next week. Then I spend the rest of the time chasing my tail trying to get caught up before the next round of chemo kicks my ass
3) People feeling sorry for you. You gain a shit ton of friends but all for the wrong reason. You think I’m kidding? I hope, dear readers, you never have to experience what I have. I hope people are your friends for the right reasons.
4) People already writing you off as dead. This one has been my favorite so far. I have stage four cancer so I’m already dead to some people. The flip side is people do not even want to get to know you because they think you are going to die anyway.. so what’s the point?
5) Treatments get harder, not easier, as the time progresses. I wish my phase 4 treatment was as easy as my first phase was. I miss the good ole days of only 2 days sick. Or feeling great for 2 days then feeling bad on Sunday/Monday.
No worries, my beloved friends. I am not going to kill myself. I have too much to live for. I am just tired of people saying ‘I don’t understand why someone would do such a thing’. I cannot explain a thing for them but I can explain my headspace the last few days. Now I don’t condone it. Suicide is the easy way out. Living is much harder. And afterall, I am a stubborn ass.