Suicide is really high amongst cancer patients. Although I do not condone it, I cartainly understand it.
Let me explain, from my
point of view, why suicide even crosses my mind.
1)
I am at the mercy of the disease. Cancer
dictates everything about my life. My energy level. How much, if anything, I am
able to do.
2)
There are more bad days than good. Between
feeling bad physically then feeling bad for feeling bad… each chemo treatment
knocks 4-5 days out of me. Chemo on Friday, I don’t feel good until Wednesday
of the next week. Then I spend the rest of the time chasing my tail trying to
get caught up before the next round of chemo kicks my ass
3)
People feeling sorry for you. You gain a shit
ton of friends but all for the wrong reason. You think I’m kidding? I hope,
dear readers, you never have to experience what I have. I hope people are your
friends for the right reasons.
4)
People already writing you off as dead. This one
has been my favorite so far. I have stage four cancer so I’m already dead to
some people. The flip side is people do not even want to get to know you
because they think you are going to die anyway.. so what’s the point?
5) Treatments
get harder, not easier, as the time progresses. I wish my phase 4 treatment was
as easy as my first phase was. I miss the good ole days of only 2 days sick. Or
feeling great for 2 days then feeling bad on Sunday/Monday.
No worries, my beloved
friends. I am not going to kill myself. I have too much to live for. I am just
tired of people saying ‘I don’t understand why someone would do such a thing’.
I cannot explain a thing for them but I can explain my headspace the last few
days. Now I don’t condone it. Suicide is
the easy way out. Living is much harder. And afterall, I am a stubborn ass.
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