Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The waiting is the hardest part

Patience is not a strong point of mine. I am fairly impatient and I FOCUS when something is extremely important to me.


One of the hardest parts of cancer is the constant waiting game.


Holy shit you have this huge tumor?!? Quick! Quick! Reschedule your whole life for a test you have to do tomorrow.. EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!


But for the results…. You wait. Oh. My. God. Do you wait.  


It is a constant hurry up and wait. Period. There is no rushing medical science. It’s not like my FUCKING LIFE IS ON HOLD WHILE YOU FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT.


I have a mole on my face. And it’s grown. And it looks funky. So I asked my oncologist about it.  It’s been 6 fucking weeks since I talked to my oncologist about it. Every two weeks, “Hey doc. They haven’t called. I really would like to know if this is melanoma.” Still no call.


What the flying pig fuck is going on? Yes, I realize I already have cancer but the treatment for melanoma is different. I just want the stupid thing biopsied. Screw you children with pimples on your face. I have a fucking thing growing on my fucking face!


And, of course, you don’t want to be rude. Then you get pushed to the end of the line. Dying or not. Sweetness gets you every where. Except quicker results.


It never gets easier. Waiting for the results when I was first diagnosed was excruciating. Knowing that I have to have tests next week, is excruciating.  Then I have to wait until Friday for the results. I mean, really. This is my life you are dealing with. And sure, while to you I only have Stage 4 Hodgkins Lymphoma. To me, I have FUCKING CANCER and I’d like to know if this poison is working or if I have just been wasting my time. I want to know how much time I have left. I want to know if this shit is going to come back. This isn’t just about the right now, doc. It’s about the future.


The only thing I have learned to do is to just let go. There are some things I just cannot control. The ‘speed’ of the test results; sure I would like them faster. But I would rather them be accurate.


So to my dear friends who are also enduring the HURRY UP and waiiiiiittttt, I only have this sage advice. You are not alone. The waiting is hard for everyone else as well. I am lucky to have my job to keep me occupied. Go for a walk, if you can. Have people come by and talk to you about anything except cancer. We are in this together.


Now I wait for my call…

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