Thursday, October 31, 2013

The fucks.. Where did they go??

SO I seriously considered driving off a bridge last night, with my dog, and just ending it all. But I realized that watching Squish drown would not be ok. Not that it would matter because I would be dead anyway, so who fucking cares?


But he does not deserve it. He just wants to give me love.


And I do not want it right now.


I am a big raging ball of hate. I am Kari’s temper. I am Kari’s well of anger.


I am taking it out on everyone around me. And I have some seriously fucked up thoughts going through my head.


I realize they are fucked up but that does not stop them from happening. And no amount of Xanax or Cytylopram or Hydrocodone can medicate me past this. It’s too late.


I don’t want to quilt because I am afraid I’m going to stab myself mercilessly. But I get upset because then Shay couldn’t use the materials. And I really have some pretty awesome materials.


Taking an online class might not have been the best idea right now. I have never taken an online class. I studied my ass off yesterday and I got a 40. Oh it gets worse (on an open note quiz). I REALLY  thought I had comprehended the material. I was so ready for it… and I failed it. a lot.


I am waiting for the results from my biopsy. And I still haven’t had time to process the fact that I have already had cancer once. I feel like a huge burden on everyone. I want to be like an animal and go out to the woods to die alone.


And don’t give me this, ‘you’re so strong’ bull shit. I’m fucking done with it.


And If that biopsy comes back as clear, I think I might lose my shit worse than I am right now. The ;last three weeks have been HELL. Doctors told me it was back. They were doing a biopsy to confirm then they were going to start chemo. I was going to be out for a MINIMUM of six months. So I start preparing everyone; my work, my family and my friends.  I call and get information on disability so I know what I am ready for. I start calling people I owe money to so that they have a head’s up… Everyone is ready to go. Because the Cancer is back…


We go for the biopsy and the one on my side is gone. Possible pneumonia was there. Not to worry. But they biopsy the one on my sternum.


Two days later and it’s still bruised.

I’m tired.

I am so mentally drained I cannot even to begin to explain.


I broke down at the office today: full on uncontrollable sobbing. They don’t get it. I missed only 5 days of work with the stage 4 bull shit I went through. I should have just taken disability the first time. I’m a fucking wreck.


I need a mental break. I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know what the fuck I am doing anymore. And honestly, all the fucks I have given are all gone..


People who love me are getting pushed away. With a giant bulldozer. And the great wall of china is being built there. I don’t want to talk about it because it doesn’t help. And NO ONE seems to fucking GET IT.


I could scream my feelings but you don’t fucking get it.


I’m out here rowing my oar in a giant circle. I do not get a break at home. I do not get a break at work. Shit, even in the car I don’t get a fucking break.


It’s hard to go through this when you don’t feel like people understand you. Or GET you. Even worse, when you don’t feel like you should complain because you’re “so lucky to have so many people” going through this with you.


And the one person who gets it… I don’t want to pour on her.


I’m just done


I need a fucking break


Not a cry for help. I’m not stupid.


I don’t need a pity party


I just needed to vomit…





1 comment:

  1. I like you, not because of cancer, but because we could talk about our WLS farts and laugh about it.

    I like you and I don't know what else to say that won't come across as empty or trite or somehow make you feel burdened by my attention.

    (I'm not going through anything even remotely similar, but every offer for help somehow feels like more weight thrown on top of me. More expectation from me. The more I struggle, the more offers for help are piled on top of my head. ...and I'm already drowning. And then I feel like *I'M* the asshole for drowning.)

    I like you, and that comes with no obligation or promise or anything. It just is.