You only hurt the ones you love - Chemo Farts

I am not the most lady-like woman you will ever meet. I eat. I drink. I watch football. I love hockey. I love MMA. I love wrestling (especially the Miz and CM Punk). I shit. I piss. I fart.

 

Apparently, in the things they should tell you, they should also warn you about the gas you are going to have.

 

So the first time I ever had chemo and every time after,  I have the most outstanding farts. You know those farts you get that you cannot believe just came out of you so you wallow in your stink and wait for everyone else to notice? Yeah, it’s those. And not only do I have the worst gas ever, I lock the windows on the way home. This leaves Radlad scratching at the windows. It’s pretty awesome. I also chase Radlad around with my butt and call them butt kisses. “I want to give you a kiss! Why are you running away?” It’s pretty awesome.

 

And the best part is the look that people give you. You just sit there and grin while everyone gives you the ‘Oh my God! You might want to check your pants.”, “Did something die in your ass?”. My favorite so far was from RadLad, “if you do that at _____ ‘s house. I’ll marry you!”.

 

Or you can choose to strafe a while area. Walk slowly through people while letting it loose and watch them all look at each other accusingly.

 

My favorite thing is to open the freezer doors in the grocery store. Especially where something is on sale (so you know people are opening the door frequently) let one go and then watch someone open the door.

 

Chemo farts, a blessing. A curse. And fucking hilarious.

 

*poot*

She shoots! She scores! - How to defeat the cancer demons

SO I have told you how I feel.

 

So how does Chemo Girl defeat these demons?

 

1.       I have the best support system ever. I have all of you reading my blog: laughing, crying and cheering for me. There is always an encouraging word and the want to hug me.

2.       Believe the chemo will work. I know it’s working, I have proof it is working. Now I have to believe it will kill it all and my cancer won’t come back. These things take time. I won’t lie. It’s completely overwhelming. I’m terrified of my future more than my current situation.

3.       Make time for a bath or some other alone time. Fighting cancer and my demons, I have to talk myself through the stupid steps of it. Keep breathing. This is worth it. I am worth it.

4.       Believe your friends aren’t tired of hearing you. I get the inside feeling that you all are sick of me and you’re going to go away. But there are few of you who just want to know the chemo girl should she die… See? Bad thoughts. But I know that there are plenty of you (at least five) who would listen to every word I said until I couldn’t talk anymore. I keep sharing and knowing that someone is listening and hearing my words.

5.       I live for other people. On days like today when I want to cry and quit chemo, I live for someone else. I might not want to live till tomorrow but Radlad would be mad. My mother would be devastated. My employees would kill me J. And SAPA would fire me out of the cannon just because I asked not to. And everyone would call me a fucker. (It’s what we do when people die in our group)

6.       I talk it out or I write it down. See this whole blog entry? Makes me feel better just writing it down.

7.       I put on music and dance. Give me my good ole Pan mix and some make up. I’ll put makeup on and dance while I do it.

8.       I go thrifting or ‘pop some tags’. I love hunting great finds and it’s something I am good at. The hunt is sometimes better than the finds

9.       I think about someone who has it worse than I do. Shit, I have cancer. And what? Other people have it and are dying from it. I will live to see tomorrow (just don’t think about the what ifs. There are what ifs to anything)

10.   I pet my dog. Mr. Squish, my pug of awesome, always knows when there is something wrong. I can just lay on the floor or in the Lovesac and just pet my pooch. His face is wonderful and I think he understands me. I know he doesn’t but the pug head tilt is amazing.

11.   I think about my future. Did you know I want to go back to school and be a therapist for cancer patients? Did you know I want to run a 5k every month? Did you know I want to buy a house? Did you know I want to adopt a child? Did you know I want to go back to faire next year ? Did you know I WANT to be at faire anymore? Did you know I am enjoying faire?

 

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead – TRUE STORY.

 

Tomorrow is chemo. Trip 5 out of 12. I got this. Hold my hand. Be my friend. Support me. I love you all. It’s what gets me through.

How to lose against cancer - The losing mindset

Lately, I have been having some self esteem issues.

 

I had gastric bypass back in 2011 because I was morbidly obese. I got down to 124 pounds. Now this is not the healthiest weight for me and I admit I was appalled by my ribs sticking out. I was a size 8 and my pants were falling off of me. So the oncologist put me on an ant nausea medication with a steroid in it. Since starting chemo I have gained 11 pounds. Now this isn’t a huge deal for most people but my body image is so fucked up that the 11 pounds makes me feel like I weigh 300 pounds again. I can’t even button my size 8 pants I wore 3 weeks ago.

 

So I start to downward spiral, harshly.

 

My hair is gone. Now I made the choice to shave my head when my chemo hawk started to fall out. It’s growing back but it will fall out again… I have a rash on my head, either from heat or an allergic reaction to my sunscreen. I can’t wear my wigs cause HOLY SHIT they itch.

 

So I want to eat all the bad things.

 

Then I start to think about the life I used to live… It was pretty boring. I’d come home from work and do normal people things. Cook, clean, watch something useless on tv with my dog, quilt, Go to the gym downstairs and run.. and this has all changed.

 

I can’t run because of chemo. I can’t get my heart rate up so I am forced to just walk. And I don’t want to walk, I want to run.

 

I don’t want to cook when I get home. I’m too tired from just working. Last night I came home and could barely walk to the chair. And once I sat, I had to be helped to the other chair to sit and eat the dinner Rad Lad had cooked. And nothing sounded appealing except girl scout cookies and tortilla chips. I ate until I was full. What I ate was amazing (he cooks really well) but I just wasn’t hungry. (Later on I ate carrots, mushrooms and sweet peppers with salsa – so I did eat finally).

 

Then I decided to weigh myself at the end of the night.. bad idea. (Good news is I weighed myself this morning and it’s exactly where I was yesterday). I made the choice to only weigh myself once a week from now on.

 

Then I started to think about everything cancer has taken away from me

1.       I’m tired all the time – Fatigue – I don’t or can’t be as active as I was. I’m so tired today from working like I used to that I can barely function. I want to just sleep. I put my head down in the middle of writing this and just passed out.

2.       I decided I wanted children about a month before I was diagnosed. It’s something I never wanted or dreamed of in the past. Suddenly I decided having a child wouldn’t be the worst thing that ever happened to me. Hell, it even sounded like fun. Possible side effect of chemo: being sterile. And I want to make sure I am cancer free before trying or attempting a child. So by that time, I’ll be too old. So adoption is the option I am looking at. And even then that makes me cry. Sure it would be my baby but it’s not the same.

3.       I can’t exercise (run) like I used to. Luckily RadLad is getting the treadmill back so I can walk/wog in the house. I have decided I’ll do 30 minutes every day on the hamster wheel (treadmill) but it’s not the same as putting on some VNV Nation and just running. I don’t get the same high and I don’t feel as exhausted/fufilled. I have also decided I will go to the pool down the road when it’s nice and swim.  Or Head to a friend’s house and swim there where I feel safe.

4.       My energy is gone. I feel like I am not helpful around the house. This makes me feel like a lazy ass who is taking advantage of those around me. I try. I cleaned up dinner and the kitchen. I put away the dishes, put dishes in and restarted the dishwasher. But I am soooooo tired. I feel lazy.

5.       My self esteem. I feel fat and ugly. And the mask makes me feel like a monster. And you think I weigh 300 pounds again. I have always picked on myself. But when other people say, “hey looks like you’ve gained a few pounds. That’s great!! You’ll need it when you don’t feel like eating”. All I hear is “hey! Look! You’re getting fat again and Radlad is going to leave you. And your friends will point and laugh at you because you failed at something else you big giant loser!! Look at your life crashing around you!! HAHAHAH!”

 

 

Tomorrow is a chemo day. So I am going to spend the rest of the afternoon writing about the winning mindset. This is in no means me waiving my white flag or asking for pity. This is just how I feel. I’m not always a warrior princess. Sometimes I’m the damsel in distress :D.  I’ll kick this depression and move on.

 

Much love and thank you for reading <3

 

BJ Mouth - PUlmonary test, same thing, right?

So after two stages of chemo (there are 6 stages total of mine – 12 treatments) they send you off to get your heart and lung tested. As stated in the all about chemo blog, the first two poisons they give you to kill the cancer, also hurt your heart and lungs. Since I have the hugest tumor in my lungs, they want to make sure I can survive the chemo.

 

So, the doc sends you for a pulmonary test. This test involves you sitting in a box, putting a plug onto your nose, wrapping your mouth around this round device that sticks out, with your lips only,  and moving your tongue out of the way.

 

 

It’s TOTALLY BJ Mouth!! Doc is helping me with my technique??  I mean, look at the guy in the pic. Really? Except they told me to put the whole tube in. ...REALLY

 

Anyway, you sit in front of this machine. And you cannot help but to place your hands on it…In an awkward manner to make sure the machine goes right where you want and you can puff/suck as needed in the most comfortable way possible.

 

So there I am puffing and sucking air into this machine, in front of my mom and the male attendant, trying not to think about exactly what is happening. I don’t want to start laughing and this test is super important.

 

So there are four stages to this test

 

1)breathe normally a lot, then inhale and PUSH the air out. Do this three times in a row and try not to pass out

 

2) breathe normally, then pant (no really), then they close off the air (keep panting and try not to think about the fact you are sucking on this tube in your mouth) then inhale and PUSH until you can’t push anymore

 

3) breathe normally, pant, exhale all the air out.. wait 6 seconds, suck all the gas in your mouth, hold then PUSH it all out… and finally SUCK

 

4) I don’t remember the test. I think by then I was trying to block out the head helper machine and focus on the breathing portion.

 

So.. here’s the good news folks. Chemo girl is getting better. My diffusion rate is still abnormal but I have a TUMOR in my lungs.

 

So the chemo is working. And my adventures will still be around for a while.

 

 

OMG what do I wear? (You got this)

Feeling pretty when having cancer is nearly impossible.

 

I feel tired, yellow, weak. Not to mention, I am bald.

 

Tonight, I have a couple of dear friends of mine getting married. I am super excited for them. I spent a great deal of time picking out the perfect dress, shoes and handbag. I got them for a STEAL of course. But the real question comes when I look at myself in the mirror.

 

Do I wear a wig? Which wig do I wear? Should I bring a scarf as backup? Should I care and just go bald? How are people going to react to my mask? Which mask do I wear? 

 

Face it. I have cancer. I am going to get the looks. No matter how much makeup I have on and how pretty I look… how ‘normal’ I look. I still have cancer.

 

But you know what? I’m kicking this cancer’s ass. So who cares?

 

That’s what I am saying on the outside.

 

Inside I feel ugly, broken and sad. Wigs will cover up my head but if it flies off while I am dancing, I think I would cry. My make up makes my eyes look pretty but why the hell do I even bother with lipstick? No one sees it and only I know it's there.

 

So I think I will hold my head up high, wear my mask and my bald head.. put a fascinator on and go. I’ll bring a scarf just in case I get cold. Reapply my lipstick when it comes off and be alive. Celebrate life and two people you love who are joining themselves. They invited me. They support me. They have been true friends to me before cancer and especially now. So brush it off.

 

Quite honestly, this wedding is not about my head. It’s not even about me. If people are going to look at me and stare, I’ll say something about staring at my beauty… not even make mention of my mask.

 

Hold your head up, girl. You are beautiful. You are worth it. Believe it. Own it.  

Get mah hur did, gurl - Custom wig? Not so much

As discussed in previous episodes with chemo girl, I shaved my head. I had a killer purple chemo-hawk. Then it started to fall out in chunks (BOO!). So I shaved the damn thing. Screw you cancer. I won’t let you take my hair on your terms. It’s my terms, bitch.

 

ANYWAY, part of my insurance coverage is that I am allowed one wig (head prosthesis, really) every 4 years. Insurance covers a wig?! Sweet. So I make an appointment with a specialty boutique dealing specifically with cancer patients. I walk in and there are head covers, a salon area with a lady getting her wig trimmed to fit her face, head mannequins with wigs and a complete room full of bras with breasts already in them. The ladies are very nice.

 

I go back for my scheduled appointment time and start trying on some wigs. I am thinking they are going to fit my head with a special wig. Surely they are going to do something different than any of the 30 beauty supply shops I have purchased wigs from. So she sits me in the chair, puts the hair protector on my head (for sanitary purposes only) and plops the wig on. And of course, I love it. Since I am painfully familiar with my coloring and what colors look good on me, the first wig is perfect. So I ask her to go ahead and fit this one to my head because I like it. So she takes the wig off and adjusts the straps.. O.O. I thought this wig was going to customized for my head. This is what we talked about… That’s not a service they offer. WHAT?! I took 3 hours off of work for a beauty supply store for cancer patients? Not even a custom wig fitting? So I’m a little pissed. So I say, ‘Fine. I’ll take this one’. She says ok and starts to write up the order for it. And says my portion will be $100. WHAT?!?!? $100? Honey, you aren’t dealing with an amateur here. I go to beauty supply stores. I have 10 wigs and you want to charge me what?! Apparently the wig is $300 but my insurance will only cover $200 so I would have to pay the extra $100.

 

WHAT?

 

Beauty supply stores have real lace front wigs made with REAL HAIR for $200. The MOST I have paid for a synthetic wig is $60. Needless to say, I left the store empty handed and disappointed.

 

In my opinion, this store is taking advantage of cancer patients. Most people with cancer aren’t sure where to turn. AND AGAIN MY OPINION, Most of the people in that area would probably never step foot in a beauty supply place or even know that beauty supply stores carry wigs. I can get 8 wigs for what they were charging my insurance company for just one. I can get the SAME service at one of the stores I go to in Lewisville.

 

I didn’t buy a wig from that store. I didn’t buy anything from that store. Not even a support pin. I didn’t donate a dime. I won’t. I find it sick that they are taking advantage of cancer patients. I don’t know about most people but even with my insurance covering a lot of my expenses, I still don’t have $300 laying around for a wig. I cried when I spent $100 for 4 wigs.

 

Needless to say, I will be continuing to purchase my wigs from the beauty supply stores and online. Right now, I am fortunate and have a variety to choose from. But wigs will lose their shape and when it is time, I’ll just spend $30 and get another. Not be taken advantage of because I am sick.

 

 

 

DO you have the plague? No.. I have CANCER.. The mask and how people react to it.

As discussed in yesterday’s adventure with me, I have Neutropenia. My white blood cell count is extremely low and I can get sick very easily. So I have to wear a mask at all times.

 

I have many masks ranging from the regular ones you get at the hospital

 

 

to goofy ones my friends have bought me

 

to my favorites from vogmask.com. I have added some decorations to the masks from vogmask.com.

 

What I find disturbing are the stares I get from people. Whatever happened to it not being polite to stare? More than once I have had to stop what I am doing and say, “I have stage four cancer. I am not contagious. I am wearing the mask so you don’t get me sick. Please stop staring at me”.  This is usually met with embarrassment and apologies. I have had people hang their head and walk briskly away. I even had one person almost cry because they were so embarrassed.

 

I have even been kicked out of a beauty salon for refusing to take off my mask because it made their other patrons uncomfortable. Even after I explained I had cancer. (Dear readers, please don’t talk about mass boycotts. I promise none of you have or will ever shop there. They are a small mom and pop place. I just refuse to spend my money there anymore).

 

My experience has also been that the more bling/jewelry I have, the less scary it is. I found this especially true at faire. The more accessorized the mask is, the more people think it’s a costume piece. I also get a LOT more questions about the reason for the mask. When I explain, people still apologize and run away. But at least I get to talk to them first?

 

 

I also try not to go out on Sundays. I have a few places I feel safe. They know me at my Sunday morning café and I’ve heard her say, ‘She has cancer. She just wants to eat like you’.  My mother jumped in someone’s face for staring at me and making a rude comment. So far the worst comments and stares have come from people groups of people just leaving church. You would not believe the nasty comments. (Freak, attention whore, why is she wearing that?) Now I am basing them coming from church being on what they are wearing on a Sunday. and the fact that I ask them, 'Did you just come from church?'. I have been known to stand up, walk over to the table, tell them my story, tell them I’d ‘pray for them’ ,then walk away. Do they not teach tolerance in church. What about praying for the sick? Is this lost? I was taught not to stare. I was taught to assume the best in people.

 

Then there is the exact opposite: The overly touchy. Now, I admit I am a hugger but it’s usually with people I know. But I have had an extreme amount of people want to lay their hands on my cancer. I had someone do it once after asking if they could touch me. It was very uncomfortable. Now I ask people why they want to touch me, first. Most of my friends know to ask me first. I have a stunt hugger with me when I am in public places. RadLad and the Mom are my stand ins. There are very few people I will touch or hug anymore.

 

So here are the lessons I want you to walk away with:

1)      Stop staring at people who are handicapped/sick. It’s rude. They know they are sick/handicapped and just want to live, eat, socialize, like you.

2)      If you have a question about the sickness, ASK.

3)      You will know if I can hug you by me holding my arms out. Otherwise, deflect your hug to my stunt hugger.

 

I love you all. Thanks for reading my semi-rant.