But he does not deserve
it. He just wants to give me love.
And I do not want it
right now.
I am a big raging ball of
hate. I am Kari’s temper. I am Kari’s well of anger.
I am taking it out on
everyone around me. And I have some seriously fucked up thoughts going through
my head.
I realize they are fucked
up but that does not stop them from happening. And no amount of Xanax or
Cytylopram or Hydrocodone can medicate me past this. It’s too late.
I don’t want to quilt
because I am afraid I’m going to stab myself mercilessly. But I get upset
because then Shay couldn’t use the materials. And I really have some pretty
awesome materials.
Taking an online class
might not have been the best idea right now. I have never taken an online
class. I studied my ass off yesterday and I got a 40. Oh it gets worse (on an
open note quiz). I REALLY thought I had
comprehended the material. I was so ready for it… and I failed it. a lot.
I am waiting for the
results from my biopsy. And I still haven’t had time to process the fact that I
have already had cancer once. I feel like a huge burden on everyone. I want to
be like an animal and go out to the woods to die alone.
And don’t give me this, ‘you’re
so strong’ bull shit. I’m fucking done with it.
And If that biopsy comes
back as clear, I think I might lose my shit worse than I am right now. The ;last
three weeks have been HELL. Doctors told me it was back. They were doing a
biopsy to confirm then they were going to start chemo. I was going to be out
for a MINIMUM of six months. So I start preparing everyone; my work, my family
and my friends. I call and get
information on disability so I know what I am ready for. I start calling people
I owe money to so that they have a head’s up… Everyone is ready to go. Because
the Cancer is back…
We go for the biopsy and
the one on my side is gone. Possible pneumonia was there. Not to worry. But
they biopsy the one on my sternum.
Two days later and it’s
still bruised.
I’m tired.
I am so mentally drained
I cannot even to begin to explain.
I broke down at the
office today: full on uncontrollable sobbing. They don’t get it. I missed only
5 days of work with the stage 4 bull shit I went through. I should have just
taken disability the first time. I’m a fucking wreck.
I need a mental break. I
don’t know where to begin. I don’t know what the fuck I am doing anymore. And
honestly, all the fucks I have given are all gone..
People who love me are
getting pushed away. With a giant bulldozer. And the great wall of china is
being built there. I don’t want to talk about it because it doesn’t help. And
NO ONE seems to fucking GET IT.
I could scream my
feelings but you don’t fucking get it.
I’m out here rowing my
oar in a giant circle. I do not get a break at home. I do not get a break at
work. Shit, even in the car I don’t get a fucking break.
It’s hard to go through
this when you don’t feel like people understand you. Or GET you. Even worse,
when you don’t feel like you should complain because you’re “so lucky to have
so many people” going through this with you.
And the one person who gets
it… I don’t want to pour on her.
I’m just done
I need a fucking break
Not a cry for help. I’m
not stupid.
I don’t need a pity party
I just needed to vomit…